Published on March 7 2014
If I’m in public, there’s a good chance I’ll be distracted.
I have good days and bad like any other person, like you I too have worries, pressing deadlines, family issues, health problems etc., but I do also have one other thing that seems to always be looming in my conscious (and probably unconscious) mind, distracting me. I find that I’m still in constant worry of being judged and treated differently in society, despite the fact that I’m passing (mostly).
Sometimes I feel like I want to go back to ‘not passing’, return to my awkward phase. At least then I knew I wasn’t passing, and I could put on my invisible armour every time I walked out the door. I knew I’d be looked at, puzzled over, and that there would be discussion about me, but now I’m never sure.
Although I am passing most of the time completely fine in public, I find that the slightest change can totally mess with my presentation. Something as simple as letting down my (fairly long) hair frames my face differently, accentuates masculine features, and then BAM, I get those queer looks. People puzzling over me, conversation stopping when I approach and whispers following after…
So, on those ‘off’ days, my conversations in public kind of go like this:
THEM: How do you think you did on the essay?
ME: Pretty good, I think, I spent a whole lot of (a passing woman wrinkles her lip and squints at me unconsciously as if trying to decipher a puzzle) uh… studying time.
THEM: You usually do pretty well.
ME: So do you. Look at the (three guys stop talking as I approach, all staring at me. Quiet snickers and hushed talking behind me) … uh, you’re a brain, I’m sure you did great. Hey, have you seen people staring at me today? Do I look off? Is something wrong with my hair?
THEM: I love your makeup today, you probably just look hot.
ME: Heh, right…
It’s got me so paranoid now. I wish I could somehow change my perception and see what other people see… I’d love to know if people are just being kind, because I feel like I’m struggling still. Some days I’m a nervous wreck.
Once in a blue moon though, I leave the house feeling sexy and confident and I pretty much own that day, get hit on, and feel like I’m desirable. Those days are happening more often, but I’d really love for them to be consistent.
Published on February 26 2014
Yesterday I discovered that one of my photos had been stolen, and put up for sale on a porn site. See? Pr0n
So, there’s a wild mix of flattery (that someone would consider paying for it for fapping material) and stomach-churning offense going on here right now.
I wonder if they’d keep my picture up if they knew that I am a trans girl?
This particular set of pictures are important pictures to me. When they were taken a while back, it was at a time when I felt utterly horrible about myself, forever unattractive, and a failure in transition. A loving friend of mine used her considerable photographic talents to show me how she saw me (as beautiful).
So, when considering that, it does piss me off that someone feels that they could just appropriate that effort for their own gain. :(